“What if I fall?”
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”
― Erin Hanson
My newest album is called “Find Your Wings”. It was two – and 45 years in the making. I am definitely a late bloomer. As I wrote in one of the “song stories” from the album:
“I’m a very late bloomer in life. For the majority of my life, I’ve either had little confidence or have drafted off other people’s confidence – and floated under their wings.”
Since I “found my wings”, thankfully I no longer need to do that. I’ve become an advocate for breaking free of your cage and pursing your passions and realizing your dreams. In fact, I’ve created a lot of propulsion over the those last three years, maybe making up for lost time, to the point where I simply could not float UNDER somebody’s wings, ever again! The ride would actually get a little hairy for them I think, lol!
But I’ve given up – and lost – a lot in the last few years as well: the family and extended family that I’ve known for 15 years, financial security, and most recently, what I thought was finally love, all because I would not settle. My ex-husband wasn’t loyal and it was not worth all the money in the world to stay with him to pretend to be a “happy family” for the rest of my life in a gilded cage; the love that followed wasn’t truly reciprocated though it seemed beautiful and sweet, and so it’s in the past now too, as hard as it was to let go. My financial security has been limited post divorce. And recently, a new cancer diagnosis on top of it all, which I faced without a partner in life. I have to figure it all out on my own now.
The old safety nets are gone and I stand alone, a single mom, on the edge of a dream. I could go back to the security of practicing law; I could get a desk job or a real estate license, I could choose to run into the arms of another man and get lost in them. Instead, I choose to venture into the complete unknown frontier of entrepreneurship and independently release a second album while I continue to build a music production company, start a motivational business from scratch and write a book about it all. All this while being a mom, paying the bills and keeping my daughter in her school uniforms!
I’ve invested so much recently in order to stand on that ledge, with my wings ready. Can I really fly? What will support me? Where is the wind? I can’t see it! How do I know that I know how to fly? I’ve never flown before, completely alone. Will I dare to step off that ledge? The stakes are so much higher now. Who will catch me? Is there anyone there?
The wind is there.
You just cannot see it.
I can feel my wings.
That’s all I’ve got to go on.
So I close my eyes.
Then, just as I need it, I am reminded: love will always catch me. I have so much love in my life, I realized, maybe not the romantic type, but so much love! I have the support of friends and family and even countless fans that daily deliver a message of “we’re with you, you can do it!”. I have the love of my daughter, unconditional and boundless. We’ve come to this point together. Everyone is all fully vested in my journey as if it were their own. Even my accountant says “fly!”. They hold my safety net.
To go back would be to chicken out. Chickens don’t fly!
Plus, my daughter is watching.
So, I’m stepping off the ledge.